Hazard on twelve

I went into the pro shop
Paid my fees and turned to leave
The man behind the counter said
“you’re new here…I believe”

I said I’d never played here
He said “there’s things that you should know”
“I’ll grab us both a coffee”
“Listen close…before you go”

“The first two holes are easy”
“nothing there gets in the way”
“no bunkers, and no water”
“just the way to start the day”

“It gets tougher on the third hole”
“There’s some birds up in the trees”
“They buzz you while you’re putting”
“Remember…birds on three”

“The fourth hole is a dog leg”
“It has a river on the right”
‘Avoid the yellow caution tape”
“We had a drowning there last night”

I swallowed hard and stared back
“A drowning out on four”
“That’s right” he said “don’t worry”
“At least it’s not the wild boar”

“The WILD BOAR?” I said aloud
He said “he’s on five through seven”
“Don’t worry much on those holes”
“He’s been sighted on eleven”

“The eighth is fairy simple”
“A par three that you can reach”
“Water moccasins in the swamp”
“And lots of spiders in the beach”

“The greens are all receptive”
“They hold well, just come in high”
‘But, land is short…there’s quicksand”
“So…go in there…you die”

“you make the turn, and grab a dog”
“I give them out for free”
“The owner says it’s wasteful”
“But, I say…just let it be”

“The tenth hole is a par five”
“It’ one to reach in two”
“But if you put it out of bounds”
“I’d leave it…if I were you”

“you know about the wild boar”
“so eleven gets a pass”
“he’s got some bite, that sumbitch”
“He might gore you in the ass”

“Now twelve…is quite a pickle”
“I’ll tell you watch out now…..not later”
“We have a situation there”
“It’s fairway’s full of gator”

“What the hell is that you say”
“There’s a gator out there then”
“Today there is but somedays son”
“You can meet as much as ten”

“You must be mad” I yelled at him
“I’m leaving…I’ll not play”
“on a course so full of danger”
“There’s no way…just no way”

I asked him for a refund
he pointed up above his head
“no refunds, only rainchecks”
“and then only if you’re dead”

I sacrificed my forty bucks
And left, out to my car
The pro just sat and smiled
“I’ve scared off thirty one so far”

I know I’ll not return here
not with friends or by myself
not with spiders in the bunkers
Or gators on the twelfth.

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