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Doing The Wife’s Hair

Doing the Wife’s Hair

Husbands, raise your hands
Keep them up if you love your wife
Keep them up if you colour your wifes hair
Okay, this is for the three of us that are left….

I did my wife a favour
As I do, because I can
I help her when I’m able
Not just because I am a man

I kill bugs when requested
I do the laundry like I should
I clean the bathroom when it’s dirty
And by doing so , feel good

Every few weeks I will help her
Hide the grey that she can see
I don’t volunteer to do it
But it’s cheap to hire me

A salon visit is expensive
Doing hair, and waiting hours
I just slip on my latex hand wear
And I have a bag full of super powers

Yes, I help my wife get couloured
I take the time and do her hair
I also, get it on the tiles
Up the wall and on two chairs

The dog gets covered just a little
The rug, a window and the bed
But, we always buy two packets
So, there’s enough to do her head

I have a jacket slightly mottled
It’s got a few brown spots, some red
I don’t know exactly how it happened
I even got some on our bed

Just call me Mr. Kenneth
In my jumpsuit doing hair
I get it where I think she needs it
And I spray it everywhere

She comes out looking gorgeous
She’s always happy with the result
She always looks a little different
Like someone who believes in the occult

If you’re a husband who likes money
Save it, colour your wife’s hair
Your part only takes ten minutes
You need ten towels, one mask, one chair

It brings us both closer together
My arms look like a leopard skin
All my shirts are slightly spotted
But all those spots, make me look thin

I’ve got to go now and get cleaned up
The carpets ruined, so’s the wood
But, she’s happy and we all know that
If the wife is happy….all is good!

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Ghost of Christmas Past is back…

The ghost of Christmas past dropped in
You see. he was completely out of wine
He had two stops to make by three
so, he borrowed some of mine

He asked me how i was getting on
since, he came around that night
with Jacob and the other two
and took me on that flight

i told him i was doing well
but, i thought he had to know
i was succeptible to pnuemonia now
since they dragged me through the snow

it’s just the nature of the beast
that you may get a cold
the younger ones, not quite so much
it’s just that you were old

i asked him where he had to go
and who he had to see
he told me , Ebby you know the rules
but, i can give you guesses…three

the first place that i’m off to now
is really not that far
this one, used to be a beatle
peace and love is for this starr

i was surprised that it was Ringo
he said, he had to be reeled in
his ego grew a little bit
and to his boss that was a sin

The second place he had to go
he needed wine for the bar
because he was going out to celebrate
and he brought a good cigar

He said this one, he’s off his head
He’s gone back fifty years
There’s a lot of things he needs to see
So, with your wine, I’ll need some beers

If everything goes as we hope
And he can make amends
He plans on calling Cuba
And saying…it’s time that we were friends

#past   #ghost   #white   #house   #christmas   #obama   #cigar   #cuba   #amends   #ringo
convoy

Four Days Until Christmas

Four days left ’till Christmas
I’m trying to get home to you
I’m in Nevada in the mountains
With the sky an eerie blue
I’m driving past my limit
Awake on pills and joe
Trying to get back cross the country
Trying to beat the coming snow

Snowflakes burst like little bombs
On my windscreen in the night
I can’t see where I’m going
My blades are frozen tight
I’m driving to the image
That is fading out of sight
I’m gonna get back home for Christmas
I’m gonna help make Christmas right

Three days now till Christmas
In the Dakotas, stuck in snow
My windows frozen open
And you should hear the winter blow
I’m not stopping ’till I get there
Although you seem so far away
I’m gonna be back home for Christmas
I’ll be with you on Christmas Day

Snowflakes burst like little bombs
On my windscreen in the night
I can’t see where I’m going
My blades are frozen tight
I’m driving to the image
That is fading out of sight
I’m gonna get back home for Christmas
I’m gonna help make Christmas right

Two days now till Christmas
In Minnesota, freezing cold
I’ve  drunk five thermos’  full of coffee
I’ve put my bladder right on hold
I’m blazing through the streamers
Right through the drifts, some ten feet high
I’m driving back to you for Christmas
I’ll be back home, unless I die

Snowflakes burst like little bombs
On my windscreen in the night
I can’t see where I’m going
My blades are frozen tight
I’m driving to the image
That is fading out of sight
I’m gonna get back home for Christmas
I’m gonna help make Christmas right

One more day till Christmas
I’ve crossed the line into our state
I’ll make it home to you by morning
So, Christmas breakfast…it’s a date
I’ve driven across the country
To get back home, where I should be
I’ll be there when you both wake up
Waiting by the Christmas tree

Snowflakes burst like little bombs
On my windscreen in the night
I can’t see where I’m going
My blades are frozen tight
I’m driving to the image
That is fading out of sight
I’m gonna get back home for Christmas
I’m gonna help make Christmas right

packages

..and yes, it is a Merry Christmas

“Go and talk to your son!”. It seemed lately that every arrival at home, in the old section of Glasgow, began with “Go and talk to your son!”. “Why?…what has he done this time”…answered Angus’ dad. “What trouble did he get into now?”. “None…so far as I can figure” answered Mary, mother of the aforementioned Angus.

“Then why am I going to talk to him?”. ” He’s not selling autographs again is he”.
“No dear, he’s not…you should just go and have a wee chat with him…that’s all.”

“Alright, I will”….”will I need some hobnobs as ammunition, or should I be okay on me own?”.
“You should be okay without them, but, then again, a wee plate of hobnobs never hurt anyone…least of all our Angus”

Dad, poured two glasses of cold milk, set six hobnobs on a plate and ventured up to himself’s room. He knocked twice, just above the “No gurls alowd” sign that Angus had put up after last nights arguement with his Mum, over carrots. Angus refused to accept the arguement that carrots gave you better eyesight…while his Mum said they did. A snicker from Dad at Angus’ response almost got him banished to the sofa for the night himself, with his own “No gurls alowd” sign going up in the living room. He remembered Angus standing up from his chair, and stating “If carrots give ye such good eyesight, how come so many rabbits get hit by cars at night?”. Then he stormed off.

He knocked again, and Angus opened up the door. Angus was still in his blue school shirt and grey pants. “Can I come in?” asked his father. “I’ve brought milk…and hobnobs”.
Angus stepped back and let his father enter the room. The walls were covered with posters, of cars, footballers, horses, bikes, cartoon characters….so much so, there was barely any space left for anything else.

“Yer mum said I should talk to you…son…do you know why?” “Nope”…said Angus…”do you?” “That’s why I’m asking you lad….she told me to come see you…do you know why I’m here?”
Angus tilted his head and answered “because Mum told you too?”.
It was clear they weren’t getting anywhere with this, so Dad asked “How was school today?”

Angus was now in full time kindergarten at St. Martin’s in The Fields Primary School in Glasgow. The school was old, dank, smelled of age and was one of the finest in all of Glasgow…for it’s age. It was famous for having had two members of The Bay City Rollers as students, one for about three months and the other a little less. They never graduated from St. Martin’s, but, it was something to hang their hat on.

“I got all my Christmas Cards taken away today Da.” said Angus. “I was giving them out to everyone, and the teacher, Mr. McDonall came and took them away.”.
“Why would he do that boy?”….”Where were you doing it?’
“I was outside before school started giving them out….” , Angus sniffed, “and he came over and grabbed them from me”.
Dad, remembered Angus working away for the past two nights, printing everyone’s name on the cards, as perfect as he could. It only took 43 cards to get the necessary 21 Angus needed for all of his young classmates.
“Why would he do that?”…”did he tell you why?”. “No Dad” said Angus through the rapidly increasing flow of sniffles and snot that normally accompany a crying child.

“I didn’t find out until I went to the office to see the Principal afterwards”.
“You went to the office for handing out Christmas Cards?” . “That doesn’t make any sense son, are you sure you weren’t doing anything else?”
“I was just handing out cards Da, that’s all”, said Angus as he grabbed another hobnob, which he quickly stuffed under his pillow for later. He would get in trouble for that one, but, it would be worth it.

“The Principal said something about Christmas Cards that say Christmas on them, can’t be given out at school anymore. They can only say Happy Holidays. If it doesn’t say Christmas on it, how can it be a Christmas Card Dad?”.

“I don’t know boy”….”but I am damn sure gonna find out”….and “you’d better eat that hobnob under your pillow before Mum sees it”…smiled Dad.

The pair ventured downstairs for dinner, neither discussing what went on in the room where “No gurls were allowed”. Dinner passed in silence, with Mum looking from one to the other to get some sort of reaction. Once, Angus started to talk, but it had nothing to do with what went on between Father and Son, so she continued eating. She would find out later after Angus went to bed.

After dinner, Angus went to the park with his friends for an hour to play football, and tag, and swing on the swings for a while. Mum, took this chance to corner Dad…and corner him she did….”What went on up there? What did you two talk about?” “He won’t say anything to me…what did he do?”
“Nothing….he did nothing wrong at all, so as I see it….Angus didn’t do anything wrong”.
He kind of smiled at that, because normally after being told “Go talk to your son…”, Angus had always done something wrong…this time…it was The Principal.

“Tomorrow, I’m staying home in the morning and taking himself to school….I’m going to see The Principal”. “What for?…if he didn’t do anything wrong, why are you going to see the Principal?”.
“Well, what time of the year is it?”…..asked Dad. “It’s Christmas silly, you know that…why?”
“Well, apparently it isn’t Christmas at St. Martin’s in The Fields…at least not as far as himself’s teacher and new Principal are concerned. It’s now Holiday time….not Christmas Time, Holiday Time. Our wee Angus got in trouble for handing out Christmas cards at Christmas. Does that make any sense?”…said Dad.

The next morning at breakfast, Angus looked up and asked “Dad, shouldn’t you be going to work? you’ll miss your train.”. “I’m taking you to school and going to see your Principal, son”. “Why?” asked Angus. “Let’s just say I’m going to give him a Christmas Card….have you seen my bible?”.
“It’s on the sideboard…but, why do you need that Da?”…asked the boy.
“Let’s just say…to make a point.”.

Mum smiled as the two men, both wee and tall, walked together hand in hand down the drive towards the school. Upon arrival, Angus went off with his friends, while Dad, went into the old, intimidating looking institution. He could smell the old wood soap and mustiness as he waled down the hall, past the class pictures and the old trophies that get hauled out and cleaned every year for games day, only to be put back again after the awards presentations.

Upon arriving at the office, he announced “I’m here to see The Principal…..where is he?”.
A pair of beady, spectacled eyes looked up from behind the front desk…and in a thin, reedy, voice asked…”And who might you be, sir…to come in without an appointment?”.
“Ah’m flippin’ Father Christmas, that’s who I am….I am Angus’ Mc Dougalls dad, and I am here to see the bloody Principal. Now where is he?”
“Without and appointment..” she started, quickly stopping when Dad, walked past the desk to the door marked M. Dingwall, Principal on it.

“You can’t go in there”…screeched the reedy voice…”not without an..” “I know…” said Dad…”not without an appointment…..well, I’ve got mine right here, and right now…” he said, waving his bible in needle noses face. He continued in to M. Dingwall, Principal’s office….and sat down.

M. Dingwall, Principal…looked up from the papers on his desk, which incidentally had 5, yes…5 Christmas Cards on it, and asked Dad…”and who are you to come into my office…”….”without and appointment”…finished Dad. ” As I told your chihuahua out front, all bark and no bite by the way, I am frigging Father Christmas, who I see on 3 of the 5 cards you have on your desk. That’s who I am, Father Christmas !!!”

“Well, Mr. Christmas, what can we do for you? ” asked a clearly shaken M. Dingwall, Principal. “I’ll tell you what you can do for me….you can apologize to my son, for a start. My wee lad Angus, came here yesterday morning and was sent to see you for handing out Christmas Cards, at Christmas. What am I missing here?”.

“I remember that….yes, he was disciplined and told no more Christmas Cards, it’s against the policy of the school board…it’s a religious holiday, and we are not allowed, with all of the various religious groups represented within our walls to favour one over another. So, no more Christmas Cards in this school. That is the policy.”, said M. Dingwall, Principal.

“That’s nice…then what are those 5 cards on your desk….the ones that happen to have Christmas on them and Father Christmas and a nativity scene, which if I know the book I am holding here, is a religious representation, and the reason we have Christmas in the first place. “…asked Dad.

“Those are private, they were given to me by staff” said M. Dingwall, Principal. “I don’t care if they came from Jesus Christ himself ” yelled Dad, crossing himself in the process, “They don’t fit in with the policy you gave my son a reprimand for yesterday.”  He looked about the office, and saw a small, four foot tall tree in the corner as well. “Is that a Christmas tree or a holiday tree sir?, which is it?”

M. Dingwall looked up and said, “It’s a Christmas Tree, of course, haven’t you ever seen a…” and he stopped. He looked at the tree, and the cards, The eyeglasses out front went back to whatever it was she was doing before Father Christmas arrived. “I see….”. “You see what sir,?” asked Angus’ dad, looking at the tree, and the cards and ignoring the eyeglasses with the reedy voice out front.

“I see your point….It’s Christmas, not holdaymas, or xmas….it’s Christmas, and I followed policy that I myself am not following myself. I will change that right now….imagine, it took a visit from Father Christmas to get me to see the light…” laughed M. Dingwall, Principal.

“My boy Angus, will be in class, expecting to be told that he can give out his cards to the rest of his friends as he was yesterday…am I understood M. Dingwall, Princinpal?” asked Dad.

“Yes sir, the mark will be stricken from the record and his cards will be returned….I appreciate you coming in to clear up this little misunderstanding…even if you didn’t …” “I know…have an appointment.”. M Dingwall stood to shake Dad’s hand as he left, and as Dad reached the door, he said “Merry Christmas”. Dad thought a bit, smiled at what he had just accomplished and said to M. Dingwall, Principal….”and yes…It is A MERRY CHRISTMAS”.

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Christmas Dinner Surprise

I’ve picked on all those Christmas sweaters
and the letters we recieve
I’ve written about Santa and the Angels
and the things we all believe

But, I have never ever written
About the food we choose to eat
I’ve never picked on Christmas Turkey
and all the other kinds of meat

At our house for our Christmas dinner
We’d get turkey, maybe duck
It was always something different
And it wasn’t just to save a buck

One year we sat down to dinner
something different every year
we had pig, goat and chicken
and one year we sat down to deer

Birds of every sort have fed us
We’ve eaten things I can’t describe
But, with every meal we drink a little
to kill the taste, we must imbibe

One year we had some seafood
Drumsticks there to be had by all
Octopus, was on the menu
It fell off a truck back in the fall

To tell the truth , a Christmas Turkey
Is not something that we get
I love the surprise at the table
Eating what we’ve not had yet

What we get, our dad runs over
most times squirrel or deer
We get more food when he’s been drinking
So we always send him out with beer

I know that we once had rabbit
Thought it could have been a cat
Another Christmas Dinner surprise
And that is all I’ll say on that…

Merry Christmas…enjoy your turkey

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Finally, Some Justice – Gamera: Guardian of the Universe (1995)

Originally posted on The Telltale Mind:

Gamera - Guardian of the Universe2
After being absent for fifteen years, it was thought to bring Gamera back to theaters and the results were better than ever anticipated.  Here was the kaiju Gamera was always meant to be.  A monster that was a monster yet one that was created by man to help man against other kaiju who would do harm.  There were still the rubber suits of course, paying respect to what had come before, but also because it was likely more feasible than anything else.  And really, who cares as this film was what we had been looking forward to for years.  What was perhaps the most astonishing thing of all was the good script, story and dialogue by Kazunori Itō and the above average acting by the cast.  Instead of being made solely for children, the movie could be enjoyed by all and the material while a little darker, was treated seriously…

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Santa’s New Team

Christmas Eve was coming
There was plenty to be done
There were protocols to follow
There were programs to be run

Presents needed wrapping
Elves had duties of their own
They’ve been doing it for centuries
They could call Christmas in by phone

Reindeer games were scheduled
Christmas Carols to be sung
There were toys to be assembled
There were bells that must be wrung

Christmas Cakes…no problem
For we all know there’s just one
It gets passed around each Christmas
And that is half the fun

But, back now to the reindeer games
Donner wasn’t there
But, neither were three others
It gave Santa Claus a scare

He called the elven vet in
Said “find out what it wrong”
“If I don’t have all my reindeer”
“It’ll ruin Rudolph’s song”

The vet came back directly
Hoof and mouth was what he said
The reindeer must  miss Christmas
They were all confined to bed

Santa couldn’t take it
Reindeer home…what would he do?
He thought real hard about an answer
Where would he find something that flew

The vet said, “I’ve an answer”
“But, no questions…just your trust”
“I’ll get your gifts delivered Santa”
“I just need your magic dust”

Santa said “do your best Doctor”
“We can’t have Christmas end like this”
“Are you sure you have an answer?”
“We can’t give Christmas time a miss”

The vet and elves went searching
They formed a team like none before
They went around to the animals
And then they knocked on Santa’s door

Santa looked at what they’d brought him
His reindeer gone, but here they stood
A team had been assembled
It made Santa sink into his hood

Harnessed up before him
The vet had two dogs and a bear
A beaver, goat, and donkey
And a bald, blind cat…stood there

He smiled and said “Dear Santa”
“They may not look like that much now”
“But, they’ll get you where you need to be”
“And they’ll be led by a brown cow”

If you hear some noises
From your roof, like bleats and barks
Some, meowing or some mooing
And other strange sounds in the dark

Remember, it’s just Santa
With his new team for the season
Rex, Rolf, Billy, Ben, Bessie, Joe, and Mike
and a bald, blind cat who’s freezin’

Merry Christmas to all and to all….don’t look up!!